Quiet night

[overmore]

He didn't know if he should've looked away when it started happening or not. Either way, it was too late now, at least he thought so.

Saphir didn't like looking at his brother like this. That cane that was once just a status symbol once he became older was now doing it's intended purpose. But Desire was not old enough for that, it should've taken years before that. Someone who's barely twenty shouldn't be using a cane.

But what could the younger brother do but only look?

It was not like their father was of much help. He too noticed how Desire's weight had fluctuated, but the approach the man took seemed to be doing more harm than good. Telling your son he looks like a skeleton and that he should eat more wasn't something you'd want to hear at the dining table. Pointing out that the experience clothing that once looked perfect on the older brother now was "hanging off of a hanger" felt more like a targeted insult rather than the encouragement to get better.

It didn't help that the people around the manor talked about it too.

The maids, cooks, butler, even Tuberose would point it out sometimes. The latter knew when to shut up though, which was not the case for the others. Noir could only imagine what it was like to walk around and hear others talking behind your back on how you look too worn out.

The once proud sibling that would walk the halls of the manor with his head high, maybe even a little too cocky was now replaced with a man who just wanted to get to where he wanted to be, without many eyes on him.

Saphir knocked on the door, then opened it.

"Are you sleeping?"

No words came out, but the movement on the bed showed that Desire was not asleep yet.

The younger brother made his way to the bed, sliding underneath the sheets. Desire was too quiet for his own good tonight.

"Don't expect anything, I'm too tired."

"Can I not just be near you because I want to?" Saphir snuggled up to the older one, receiving a reaction finally. Desire leaned towards him, their faces meeting in the dark. Saphir could barely recognize him with no lights on, but it was the same Desire he always knew: proud, cold towards everyone but him and calculating.

But none of these things were present now. They've been slowly deteriorating, along with his weight.

Sometimes Saphir wondered if he should've asked him if he was alright the first time he saw him vomit out the food they just ate. Wondered if every subsequent time he should've pushed it more, talked to him, trying to figure out what was wrong. If he should've asked for help from the doctor in their annual check up because he was the only one who knew how he was losing that much weight.

He felt like a bad brother and bad lover.

“You never come for just that,” Desire replied. “I'm not in the mood, Saphir. I can't even get turned on like I used to.”

It had affected their sex life too. Desire had trouble getting turned on more and more, and even when he did, he couldn't last that long. It build up frustration in him, being unable to do something as simple as to last long enough to make Saphir come too. He had started to feel enthusiastic about it more and more, sometimes locking the door to his room so that Saphir couldn't come it at night. It did hurt a little, his thinking that Saphir only wanted that and nothing else, not the closeness of his lover or his touch. Saphir would tell him it was alright, it didn't matter that he couldn't get off with him, he just wanted to be with him in the end.

But of what use was that if they couldn't communicate it?

“Desire,” his quiet voice filled the room. “I just want to be with you. You're my lover, I want to spend some time with you even if it was just this.”

“What, laying in bed, watching me be miserable?”

He could see the brother bite his lip.

“You're not miserable Desire, you're just struggling a bit. You know… you know I want to help you, if you let me.”

Hand gripped his waist, Desire holding onto him. He had expected the man to maybe be angry or upset, but that was not the case. Regretful, maybe? Sad? He couldn't put it correctly. But still no answer.

"Desire?"

Nothing. Should he say something else?

"...I don't want help. I'm fine."

Should he be in disbelief? "You're not fine. You struggle walking sometimes! Please, let me help you." He was looking at him with those adoring eyes he'd use as a child when he wanted to get something from the maids. It would sometimes get him something for Desire too, but now it was useless, knowing they were much older and they were in the dark currently.

Was it shame that stopped him from asking for help?

Saphir can't push. Not now, not ever. He can get to the root of the problem at some point, right?

"Promise me", he started. " That you'll ask me for help at some point, okay? You know I only want the best for you."

The grip on his waist tightened a bit. Desire looked back at him, some amount of faith restored to Saphir.

"I'll try."

It's the most he could do, as a brother and a lover. He did not want to see his loved one die because of anything, let alone something like this.

He's hopeful at least. That maybe he'll teach out, ask when he feels like it was needed. That's the most Saphir could do to help in the end.